Suppose you were very curious and decided to ask me what I experience as the most intriguing aspect of my relationship with Matt. I’m sure you won’t, but suppose you did. I’m pretty positive that my answer would at least mention the fact that Matt is part of an actual “group of friends”.

It’s all quite cute. Their group consists of somewhat 20 members, I think, all of which have known each other since they were teenagers plus their current significant others. Although they see each other only a few times a year, they arrange a real weekend away for everybody every year. They have given the group a funny name and they communicate with each other through a secret weblog. Like I said: all quite cute.

Unfortunately, however and tragically, I really do not enjoy groups of friends very much. I prefer my interpersonal relations to be one-on-one.

I must confess that I might be a bit prejudiced. You see, I have been part of a group of friends in the past. It started out rather pleasantly but soon turned into something ugly when things began to happen that make a group a typical group. For instance, members got into little fights and forced other members to choose sides. Meanwhile there was always an unspoken pressure to like every member of the group equally. To sum up the actual problem: it assumed friendships that weren’t actually there.

Back to Matt’s group. I guess I disagree with getting friends forced upon me. I object to being supposedly so lonely and pathetic that I need social help and that I’m done a favour when I receive 19 friends for free as a result of befriending the 20th one. I resent the apparent naivety that everybody should, could and would get along with everybody. We’re not at kinder garten anymore where every kid played along sweetly with everybody else. Us adults, we just don’t. We like to choose our friends carefully.

Let it be clear I obviously do not always enjoy being considered a part of their group. But what can I do? I’m with Matt and thus I’m a member. Crystal clear. So I do what comes naturally: I chat with those I like and skilfully avoid those I don’t like enough. Most times I simply choose to forget and just have a good time on those scarce moments they’re together. However, sometimes I sit back and take a good view of the dynamics going on in this prototype group.

I see which people really like each other and which people tiptoe through it all just like me. I see how this group leaves no space for the ‘thin’ part of being friends through thick and thin. I see how they enjoy getting drunk and high and have fun, just like when they were young. I see how they nevertheless close their eyes for friends that have problems. I see how out of the ordinary behaviour appears to be unacceptable. I see how this results in general apathy and lack of inspiration and enthusiasm. I see how they fear growing up, because it may mean they will grow apart. And once more I see friendships being assumed while they aren’t actually there.

Although I realise it’s a big no-no to complain about your boyfriend’s friends I did discuss the matter with Matt. And I must say, it seems to have opened his eyes. Not in a way that he says goodbye to his group merely because of me; that would mean I’d have an influence far beyond my liking. But he does seem to reconsider the logic of certain habitual group behaviour every now and then.

A few weeks ago Matt had his birthday and this time he didn’t invite the entire group for his party. The party was meant to be intimate and small, not to resemble an entire rock festival. And the party turned out really nice. However, afterwards some of the non-invited were actually complaining on the group-weblog about not being invited. I had been expecting this, but was surprised and slightly amused anyway.

You see, the most intriguing thing for a curious observer like me, the most beautiful thing of a tight group of once close adolescents, is to see the inevitable draw nearer slowly. Little by little it all falls apart. Gradually people grow up to discover their own personal individuality.

Column published by Cecile on Monday, March 24th, 2008.

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