Attending a wedding. It always exhilarates the mind. Every non-married person will know what I mean. And every married one will remember feeling the same one day. Once you sit in that bench, bored by the slow proceeding rituals you start thinking. What do I want when I get married? What would I do differently?
Last week me and Matt were two invitees to the wedding of a befriended colleague. We sat side by side in the church benches. The ceremony was nearly entirely the way I most definitely wouldn’t do it. But still, it was so beautiful and romantic. And the love between the two soon-to-be-weds could be felt in the air. I couldn’t help but day-dreaming away.
Nearly every girl or woman wants to get married some day. And, believe it or not, but the research results don’t lie: even almost every man wants to eventually settle down by tying the knot. But girls definitely take this ambition a step further. Practically every girl already knows what her wedding will look like.
Though I’ve just recently noticed a little clock ticking concerning children which I’d never wanted before, I’ve always believed in marriage. I want it. And I want it the best way, my way. I want the church but without the religion. I want the dress, but dark red, not white. I want the family and friends, the bouquet, the presents, the food, the cake, the booze, the music. And the groom himself of course.
Despite the romance and the party, getting married has stopped being a necessity. It’s much easier and cheaper, and luckily socially accepted, to just cohabit. Furthermore women aren’t financially dependent on the husbands anymore. So why do we still want to marry? Because you’re both in love and ready to take the next step. Because you truly believe you belong together and want to make an even stronger commitment to each other. That, seen through the eyes of the control freak with territorial issues I am, is what I see as one of the most beautiful feelings one could have.
But what if you don’t marry, because you believe in your relationship? What if you do so out of an attempt of saving your relationship, like a last resort? I’ve seen and known quite a lot of couples that were together for a long while. Then got engaged. And broke up a couple of weeks or months later. Some investigation and interrogation later it appeared that the relationship had been critical even long before the moment they got engaged. As a matter of fact, they got engaged to make a change. To be happy together again.
The same is known to happen with getting children. Not because the couple is happy and is secure enough to raise their own blood together. But because they hope it will make them happy and save their marriage or relationship. Why? Popular science teaches us that people who are married with children are happier than those who are single and haven’t any kids. So getting married to become happy is quite a logical choice. But it isn’t a case of cause and effect. It’s in fact the other way around. Once you’re happy together you might decide to get married.
Which leads me to another problem: all couples have their better and worse times. So how do you know you’re saying ‘yes’ for the right reasons? To be honest, I don’t know. I asked my favourite resource of knowledge, Google. The results showed me a lot of tests, quizzes, questions to be answered and pieces of advice. About that people are more probable to succeed in marriage when they have the same socioeconomic and religious background. About that you have to talk together about your expectations concerning children, fidelity, ambitions in life, the place you want to live, money. And about how you plan to handle disagreements on these matters. Fun stuff to do on a Sunday afternoon while sharing a bottle of wine. But in the end, doesn’t it all comes down to a feeling? A feeling you won’t know how it feels, until you feel it?
The ongoing wedding had almost come to an end. I look to my right to see Matt. Would I say ‘yes’ to him if he popped the question right now? My first reply is I probably would. I would suspect he turned insane, though. Think again, would I really dare to take such a step? Do I already recognize that feeling?
Matt turns his head around and his eyes meet mine. He smiles with his entire face.
No, not today, not yet. But I’m so gonna do so one day. Yes, I do.
Similar columns
While I certainly agree that–no matter if to your taste or not–a wedding can be a wonderfully beautiful and romantic thing,
I do take issue that almost all girls/women want to get married. While I can only speak for myself,I have discussed this since my teenage years with many girlfriends over the years and I find I am not so unusual.
In my case, as a child of a generations of dysfunction old-world family, I looked at my always-working mother’s life and the lives of the other married women we knew. As a budding young dancer who learned my first port-de-bras from very famous old dance diva’s, it appeared to me that those old gals were free, had their own homes, their own money, and a circle of old friends and suiters–even into their 70’s and 80’s–with no “boss” telling them what to do. Even though my mother was the main breadwinner in the early years of her marriage, there was no freedom, and my father was always “boss,” even after his death.
As a flower-child awakening to the sexual revolution and the early days of the Women’s Movement in the 1960’s, I burned my mother’s bra (too young and flat to own one of my own)I had societal–if not familial– permission to NOT choose marriage and children as what I’d do after high school. What a beautiful freedom for so many of my girlfriends and me! I never planned my wedding, never wanted a wedding, and never daydreamed about it! I did, however, daydream about finding a partner who would be an equal partner, passionate, intelligent, creative, kind, and humorous, and would be “all that and more” to me. While I am by nature monogamous, and deliriously happy with that hard-to-find perfect mate for 10 years now, I find I still have issues with the idea that my choice of life-partner needs to be legitimized by vows that mean little (over 50% of marriages with those vows said end in divorce) or by some words said before a religious leader or judge. Still, we are realists, and in our 50’s and our present lives find us exploring and considering whether to “legitemize” ourselves through registered domestic partnership or marriage–something that will be a purely economic and practical decision. Which way will the IRS get less from us and we get to keep more? Which will cost us less and garner us more of what we earn? Those answers, in the long run, will lead us to the decision, which, if RDP is the way–will entail fees for the legal contracts and agreements simply to allow either of us the right to be in a hospital with our chosen mate if needed, or a simple fuss-free–maybe even drive-through signing of a marriage contract. Either way, it’s our somewhat resentful bending to the simple practicality of economics and “who” gets to make decisions for the other in any incapacity that has even led us to consider the question–not any respect for an institution or ceremony that holds so little meaning nowadays that more than half of those entering into it, leave without fulfilling empty vows.
For those who hold the institution in esteem, may you have the wedding and marriage of your dreams! For those who don’t, continue to work on changing our outdated laws and may you find the life-partner who truly suits you best! Either way–ceremony or no–just remember that great relationships take love,work, and a real give and take—-not a signed and stamped by a church or judicial official seal of approval. Z
Left by Zeeva on Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007