Those who have known me for longer than a split second are usually very well aware of one of my less flattering traits: I’m quite possessive. I don’t like the thought of my boyfriend hanging out with other girls in any sort of way, neither in the future or the past. Yes, I can be a pain in the ass about that sometimes.

However, today I was home alone and hanging the freshly washed laundry out to dry on our balcony. As I was clipping one of my nicer bits of underwear onto the line, I suddenly remembered something Matt had once said about that.
“You can’t hang your underwear outside to dry!”
“Why not?”
“You are my girlfriend. Nobody is allowed to see your underwear but me!”

Yes, being possessive isn’t so hard if your boyfriend is possessive as well.
There are many other examples.

To stay on the topic of underwear: one of the things that famously lit the fire in Matt’s heart for me was the whale tail that frequently popped out of the back of my jeans. When I once told him teasingly that if he could see it, others could see it as well, his face dropped and his eyes became small and dark. Since then he’s made sure my whale tail doesn’t show in public no more.

Another example was ‘the talk’ we had about our personal boundaries concerning infidelity. An exciting and scary talk every couple should have after being together for a while. After all, those boundaries need to be clear to both. However, I was a bit frightened I was going to come across as possessive and weird.
Then he chose to begin:
“Okay, I shall start. What I would permit, you ask? Nothing. No kissing, no touching, no feelings, no fantasies, no nothing. Because you are mine and mine only. Do you think you can live with that?”

Well, at least that doesn’t leave space for ambiguity.

On another occasion, I asked him what he would do if we ever broke up.
“That won’t happen,” he replied firmly.
“How do you know? I might be the one to initiate the break up, and you would have no control or influence over the matter.”
“Then I’ll just have to stalk you, I guess.”
“Excuse me?” I blurted both surprised and impressed.
“I finally got you, love, now you will never get rid of me…ever…”

Why do I feel the need to share this with you?
Maybe I am surprised to realise this bit of my boyfriend’s personality.
Maybe I feel honoured and flattered to be adored and worshipped in such a way.
Maybe it makes me feel less weird about my own possessiveness.
But I’m not sure. I can’t seem to grasp what I want to feel or know.

I decided to confront Matt with this aspect of his character.
“I don’t think I’m possessive at all. I just need to protect you a bit. And myself.”
“Hmmm… And that involves stalking?”
“Well, uhm, that hasn’t been necessary yet, has it? But I do think that you are mine and need to stay mine and thus I want to know exactly who you hang out with and what you are doing with them and such…”
“I agree, but that would be considered possessiveness by others.”
“I disagree, I think it’s just normal behaviour that I think is appropriate for the kind of serious relationship we have.”
“Others would think you don’t trust me. Others would think you are overly protective and mistrusting.”
“Besides that ‘the others’ have nothing to say about me I think ‘the others’ are wrong. If they think it’s productive to have their girl flaunt her underwear and fantasise about other men, then that’s their problem. Yes, I don’t think I’m possessive, I think other men are simply too non-possessive.”

And with that interesting thought I’ll leave you with just a simple question: what are your own personal thoughts on permitted and/or required possessiveness?

Column published by Cecile on Monday, August 4th, 2008.

Similar columns

• The curious curtain clash
• Creating gossip by telling a lie
• Trading parts of your history
• Why won’t you get a cat from a shelter?
• Hurrah for furry kittens (& their male equals)