I enjoy making lists. Like that guy from High Fidelity, I have a trillion lists of things, reasons and rankings in my head. One of my, not longest, but definitely most thought of lists is the one about moving into the same house with a hypothetical significant other.

Me and Matthew have been together for 6 months now. Even more if you count the flirtatious, ambiguous period prior to our real relationship. And he hasn’t been in his own house for ages. So of course the thought of him coming to live with me has been spoken out quite a few times. He hardly has any stuff anyway. Matt moving in with me would only be a few boxes away.

I’ve been there, done that, and all that being and doing was quite enough to be sure to never do so again. Ever. I had a long term relationship with a male idiot between my 17th and 21th. A year and a half of which was spend living together. This association was so repressing and evil that I still can’t explain why I was with this guy for so long. After we’d finally split up, I decided that living together wasn’t my idea of a good time.

My reasons for saying no to another male housemate? Well here they are:

1) He won’t be a guest anymore. He’d have as many rights in the house as me. His friends will come over while I’m at one of my own friend’s houses. And I can’t control anything that happens.

2) When we get into a fight, it’s no use to go home to be alone and think things over. Because it’s his home too.

3) It increases the chance that if he cheats on me (I know it’s pathetic, but please at least note the fact that I use ‘if’. A few years ago, I would have written ‘when’.). But anyhow, suppose he starts cheating on me, chances are higher this would take place in my own house. This would mean I’ll have to burn the whole thing down, which I find quite a wasteful way of destruction of capital.

A smart reader will already have noticed that my list so far consists of territorial and control related problems and fears. Okay, I will admit, I have some issues in the territorial area of human relations. But I can’t stop, more are to come. And don’t deny, I know you will recognize at least some of them.

4) Stuff I love and have owned for ages will have to stand aside for his stuff, because it’s better, newer, more expensive or prettier.

5) It’s the green signal to farts, burps and general ugliness and vulgarity. It’s no use to keep avoiding letting a fart go 24/7. So both of us might as well let ourselves go completely. Hereby the veil of mystery is ripped away and our true, usually less attractive, selves replace the beautiful, perfect creatures we pretended to be in the beginning.

6) Another green signal flashes like a Star Wars torch for bags, jackets, dirty laundry, shoes, pots of men cosmetics, keys, iPods, crackers, jam, butter, books and sheets of paper lying around wherever they shouldn’t.

7) The jerking will happen. Maybe you never gave this any thought, or maybe you don’t care. But the jerking will happen and it’s a bit of a line to cross. In the beginning of a relationship, when we still have a lot of sex, my man’s masturbating will be limited to his own home. Once we live together the amount of sex we have will probably decrease and, well, then it’s his home too.

8) By living together, we’ll start taking each other for granted and restart our old activities, like going out with friends. Therefore we’ll see less of each other instead of more.

Either you are the most loving, forgiving, philanthropic human being that’s has ever set foot on our planet. Or you know exactly what I’m talking about. Even if these 8 haven’t convinced you, then I’m sure you have your own 8 to accompany them. Conclusion: living together is not my thing.

Last Saturday Matt packed his stuff into boxes, put them in the trunk of a car and an hour later he’d officially moved in with me. It scares me to death, but I must admit, it’s also kinda nice and pleasant.

Column published by Cecile on Monday, January 29th, 2007.

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