This is the last column I will write about my broken wrist. Still, what needs to be said needs to be said. Because I have to protect you, my readers, for making the same mistake I’ve made. You need to know: it was all Simply Red singer Mick Hucknall’s fault.

I was bold and reckless to listen to his song, but I did. What is done can’t be undone. It happened at IKEA two weeks before the infamous snowboarding trip. Suddenly one of his horrible songs came on. I wanted to hide, but that was impossible. The music was everywhere. I felt hunted, like a hare, petrified. I was going to put my disc man on, but Matt told me not to. Together we agreed this was the moment to break a habit.

What my habit all comes down to is this: Never listen to an entire song by Simply Red. Because this will bring bad luck. This superstition had been introduced in my life by best friend Maia years and years ago. We both hated Mick Hucknall for his annoying voice and disgusting looks. Then Maia discovered that whenever she’d heard one of his songs on the radio something bad would happen to her. Especially if she heard the end of the songs. Several bad marks at school, fights with parents and rude passers-by on the street later she decided to never let Simply Red ruin her life again. This made sense I thought, so I followed.

And he’s so ugly.

Since that day years and years ago I’ve developed many ways to avoid hearing the end of Simply Red’s songs. When I am in a store or a public place I’ll put on my disc man. When I’m at the office I’ll find a reason to walk out of the room, from a visit to the bathroom to a remotely useful conversation with a colleague. And if those solutions fail I can always put my fingers deep inside my ears and start sing shouting ‘lalalalaaaa’.

The greatest horror lies within their most horrific song: “Fairground”. This song has such an annoying melody that it will stay in your head forever. It’s the kind of song you realize hearing in the back of your mind when you wake up during the night. I’d rather just have a nightmare for an entire night, than waking up hearing his music.

And again: he’s so ugly!

But now I had been stupid. I’d heard the last notes of the song and had hoped for the best (that is, forgot about the whole thing). Generally speaking I’m a person with a lot of luck. What could ever happen to me? Next thing I knew I was in an Austrian hospital. The doctor that ensured me my wrist was broken, not bruised, had the same kind of curls as Mick Hucknall. That’s when everything fell into place.

I got indignantly angry with Matt. He should have stopped me! Prevented me from listening any further! Suddenly I remembered Matt had promised me at IKEA that IF something would happen, he’d hunt Mick Hucknall and his simple red head down and hurt him (not specifying how).

A few weeks later this violence finally got translated into a rather friendly but firm and clear post on Simply Red their fan forum. It wasn’t easy. Matt not only had to make an account first, but had to be approved manually by the moderator and had to agree with a lot of terms and conditions. Ironically, during the night we had to wait for the approval we were innocently watching Comic Relief (an annual British charity television show). There he was (!) doing his little charity bit on a fairground (!!). I ask you, the guy was begging for my anger!

Alright, I’ll say it once more: he’s so ugly!

Last Sunday Matt could finally publish his fan forum post. About my superstition, my broken wrist, and the question whether such things had happened before to others listening to Simply Red. 3 hours, 50 plus views and 2 replies later his post was removed by the moderator. And Matt didn’t even write it in an offensive way!

That does it. It’s the only proof I have, but for me it’s enough. The act of censorship. Why would you censor a non-offensive, rather funny post? Why would you, unless maybe… the allegations made are true?

Column published by Cecile on Monday, March 19th, 2007.

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