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The concept of voluntary rape

Published by Cecile on Monday, December 3rd, 2007

Rape is bad. Let there be no doubt about it. A man (or woman) entering or otherwise sexually abusing and molesting the body of a woman (or man) against her (or his) will is in my mind a disgusting and unforgivable crime. I am thankful for every law that is passed to punish committers of rape and to help the victims. I even remember making a little victory dance once my country decided it was forbidden by law to rape your spouse. Strangely enough, prior to that law you were allowed to rape someone once you were married to that person. Bad thing indeed.

However, since I started writing I’ve read a lot of feminist blogs and discussions concerning rape. And it made me think things over again. Some feminists seem to think that sex should always be completely intended, deliberate, controlled and chosen for. Please submit your request for sex handwritten and signed on the dotted line. There is a thing like taking things a bit too far. Sex should be fun, not something that has to be negotiated over for ages.

But if rape is bad and being way too paranoid about it is also bad, than what exactly are the boundaries of that what’s in between? When exactly does sex turn into rape? This may sound pretty easy to distinguish, but I personally find it isn’t. I will try to illustrate this issue with some possible real life situations through the point of view of a girl.

Suppose you are drunk. Heavily. And somehow you end up with a man. He is also drunk. You hardly know what you are doing. The two of you have sex. The next morning you regret you did. So was it rape? Did that man take advantage of you? Some might state that you have been raped. But when he was drunk as well, isn’t this just something that happens? Something you may dislike to have done, but in the end isn’t such a big deal?

Or what if you weren’t drunk? What if you went home with a guy perfectly sober with the intention to have a one night stand. You start making out and know it’s soon going to happen. However, suddenly you don’t really feel like it. To avoid an awkward situation you decide to have sex anyway. Is it rape or not? The man can’t help it that you refrain from telling him to stop in this particular situation, or could he?

Another issue comes along when you are in a relationship. Suppose you don’t really feel like having sex, but your partner really wants to? You don’t tell him you’re not feeling up to it, but you just let him have his way. It doesn’t hurt, although it’s against your true will. Is it rape?

I have experienced all of the described examples personally. And I don’t feel molested in any way. Nevertheless, a true purist might conclude I was in fact letting myself be raped, because technically speaking it did involve involuntary sex.

This made me think: is there a point in involuntary sex that could be called voluntary rape?

Sometimes it’s just easier to go through with sex than to say stop. Sometimes the fact that you may not fully and completely choose to have sex simply doesn’t really matter. Sex should be something sacred and special, absolutely, but sometimes things just happen.

What bothers me is that certain feminist activists might get very mad at me right now. They’ll say I’m stimulating rape by not saying no consistently. They’ll say I’m agreeing with rape for not teaching men when to stop. But how can something be wrong if I don’t mind it happening?

If I choose to have sex against my wish. If I willingly participate in what I call voluntary rape. Am I being the stupidest person ever or am I just being human?

Column published by Cecile on Monday, December 3rd, 2007.

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8 Comments on “The concept of voluntary rape”

i think you’re just being human… i share your sentiments on all of the above!

Left by amy on Monday, December 3rd, 2007

I used to do the ‘voluntary rape thing’ until I once told my boyfriend, after having sex, that I had not wanted to have sex, but that I didn’t say no because I didn’t want to spoil the moment, and his fun. He was horrified. He told me he felt like a rapist and that he felt really hurt. Since then I’ve never done it agains my will ever again, because I know now what kind of impact that makes on the guy. So now he’ll have to have patience and wait until I too want to have sex and I have to admit, it makes us both feel better… I don’t know how Matt feels about ‘voluntary rape’ (and if he doesn’t mind, there’s no problem), but there are some guys in the world who would not like what you and a lot of women with you are doing…

Left by Maia on Monday, December 3rd, 2007

I don’t think I ever had sex against my will with Matt actually… Or at least countable on one hand. Interesting thought…

However, I do believe that sometimes you may not feel like having sex at first, but then once you start making out you might enjoy it after all. So I try not to say no too fast. Still, this does sometimes make it even harder to say no. Like you said: so as to not spoil his fun.

Thanks for your comment. I hadn’t considered the guy’s feelings before. I’ll ask Matt how he’d feel if I did.

Left by Cecile on Monday, December 3rd, 2007

I’ve never drank myself to the point that I would not remember having something as good as sex, but it wouldn’t mean that I wouldn’t regret it. Consent is quite important, legally speaking, but I don’t think you’d want to press charges if you enjoyed it in the end.

Left by Iron Pugilist on Monday, December 3rd, 2007

Good article. I don’t think there is such a thing as voluntary rape. If you DECIDE to go ahead and have sex even though you really don’t want to, no, it’s not rape. Just my opinion.

Left by c.a. Marks on Monday, December 3rd, 2007

There is no “voluntary rape.” Rape is sexual activity against your *consent*, not against your *will*. Your will is irrelevant to the definition of rape. What matters is whether or not you give consent.

In each of the instances you describe, you–by your own admission–made the deliberate choice to go ahead and engage in intercourse and clearly communicated that to the other party by not saying no, not fighting, not trying to stop things, etc.

Rape is when you, regardless of what your *will* is, do not give *consent* (i.e. say no, struggle, fight, etc.) and still end up being forced, intimidated, etc. into having sex you did not CONSENT to. Notice I said sex you did not “consent” to, not sex you did not “want.”

If you don’t want it but you don’t communicate that to the other person, that is NOT rape, not “voluntary rape” or any other type of rape. That is simply you choosing to ignore your own will and desires, but it is not rape.

Rape is when the person knows, or should know, that you choose not to engage in sexual activity with them at that time (either because you’ve made it clear to them verbally or otherwise or because you are unconscious, underage, etc. and thus can’t make that decision at the time), but forces themselves or threatens or intimidates you into doing it anyway against your consent.

I agree that your coinage of the term “voluntary rape” and the definition you give it can be upsetting to others. In my opinion, referring to the types of experiences you describe in this post as “rape” minimizes and makes light of real rape and what those who are truly raped–and not just making less than ideal decisions about sex and their partners–experience.

You choosing to ignore your own wishes and have sex when you don’t feel like it or when you’re both really drunk is NOTHING like a person who says no, or who fights, or who is unconscious, or is underage, etc. and is forced into sex regardless.

Left by m on Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

M said it all. Voluntary rape? Can’t exist (except in rape fantasies, and, oddly enough, a lot of women have that. It’s about losing control, not sex per se).

Rape is an act of violence, not sex.

Once you say no, then it’s no. Period.

If you are unable to say no, or don’t say no (regardless of what’s going on in your head), well, that makes you complicit.

Rape is not a feminist issue; it’s a human issue.

Left by Kat Wilder on Thursday, December 6th, 2007

I truly love your comments. It is exactly what I was hoping for. Maybe coining the phrase “voluntary rape” wasn’t my best semantic trick ever. However, I do want to know precisely and exactly what the boundaries are.

I agree with M: consent is more important than will. But there are cases in which consent may not be very clear, let alone will.

For example the drunk situation. Having drank a lot does alter your ability to say stop. Suppose the guy wasn’t drunk as well. Did he take advantage of the situation? Could it be rape if you did give some consent, but were drunk at the time? Or are you still completely responsible for your own actions?

Also, what about Maia? She did have sex with her boyfriend against her will but while giving her consent. No rape in most of your opinions. But she made her boyfriend feel like a rapist. So apparently it’s quite a thin line for both partners.

For me rape is, besides a human issue (of course Kat), unfortunately a feminist issue. Because the feminists I know tend to only focus on the perspective of the woman. Darn, I forgot to think about my man’s feelings as well! I think this needs to change. I think I need to have men’s feelings considered when it comes to ‘rape or not?’ as well.

I’m not talking about rape legally speaking here: I know the laws. I am merely curious about the exact moral framework.

Maybe sometimes trusting on someone to say ‘no’ isn’t enough. Maybe sometimes one should ask for an explicit ‘yes’?

Left by Cecile on Thursday, December 6th, 2007

Don't resist temptation, tell me what you think!