If there’s one thing I have learned in the past few weeks that I had to deal with Matt’s past, it’s his recurring and quite specific preference for a certain type of woman. She has to be slightly dominant and somebody who knows what she wants in life. She should boss him around a bit. And although she shouldn’t be fat, she definitely can’t be a size ten. How shall I put it? Matt needs to have some more blubber on his hands than most stereotype men would care or dare to handle.

Apart from the fact that I fit this description very well, something else struck me: His mum fits the description just as well!

There has been a lot of research going on about why we are attracted to the ones we are attracted to and what we, consciously or unconsciously, seek in our significant others. According to almost all of those studies it’s a clear fact that you tend to seek a replacement for your mother (if you like women) or father (if you fall for men). This especially is the case when the child has a good relationship with this particular parent.

I think I could best call it genetic repetition. When you are satisfied with your parents, you want to recreate that relationship with your own partner. But that’s not the only reason. You also want to make your own children look and act the same way. In order to somewhat preserve the same genes cocktail, you look for somebody that probably has similar genes. If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. If your genes are sufficient, then why try to produce a mutant?

Funnily, the process of genetic repetition also explains certain mistakes you make. While Matt’s mum is a bit bossy, she has always supported, loved, cared for and respected him fully and completely. Definitely not a characteristic one could expect from everybody that bosses you around. Definitely not a characteristic Matt has enjoyed in his lady friends of the past.

Enough about Matt, it’s time to test this thesis on myself. When I look at my own preferences I think what I look for in a partner for life is somebody who’s a real equal but who also could take over control in a crisis. Somebody who is often right, so he is worthy to get my respect, and is pretty stubborn. Exactly like my dad. Another genetic repetition in practise. But I also want something different from my dad. Something totally opposite from what I used to hate about my father and which caused a lot of conflicts in my parents’ relationship: I need my man to be able to talk about his feelings. A lot.

This is not a repetition, but a correction. A genetic correction so I can have the same relationship with my man as I have with my father, but better. A genetic correction so my children will have a chance of being better than me. But, because I love my dad so much, apparently he’s allowed to keep his nose and ears, which, my mum and I concluded, match neatly with those of Matt.

Let’s take another look in my inner circle, this time a step back in history. My dad comes from a family that was reigned by ratio. My mum comes from a family that turned chaotic by complex emotions. Both probably weren’t completely happy with that, so they sought genetic correction. The result: a child that has an issue with finding balance between emotion and ratio, me.

And now it’s my turn to seek genetic correction and so I found Matt, who’s only mental problem seems to be that he has none.

Do you get the drift? When you take some time to think this concept over you’ll start seeing all kinds of repetitions and corrections around you. I’ll end this column in a different way than usual, namely with a little assignment. Take a look around to find your own genetic repetitions and corrections. Go play in the genetic pool and tell me what you found.

Column published by Cecile on Monday, July 16th, 2007.

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