“You have to get rid off her, you realise that, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do…”
“I mean, I don’t want to come across like a possessive and controlling girlfriend, but the simple truth is that I am possessive and controlling, and being with me has its consequences…”
“I know, it’s okay, don’t worry about it. I won’t contact her and if she contacts me I’ll make sure she’ll stop trying eventually.”
“So you’re okay with this? You don’t mind?”
“No, of course not, in fact, if you’d have paid attention the last few months, you’d know I was slowly deleting her anyway”.
“But seriously, you’d ditch a friend, just like that, for me? You are truly magnificent… But… wouldn’t you want something in return? I mean, is there anyone in my life you’d like to see gone? A trade instead of a one way demand would feel better for me, you see…”
“Hmm, let me think, not really… Not as urgently as ‘her’ in this case… But if you really insist, I do know a ‘him’ you could stop seeing…”

When approximately ten weeks ago I discovered Matt and his ex housemate (let’s call her Alice, a name that suits her chagrin troll face perfectly)… Anyhow, when I found out that Matt and Alice had a bit more history together than they would have had in my perfect, utopian world, I wanted her gone. And to my amazement, Matt didn’t mind and made sure she could indeed be considered ‘gone’. I was positively thrilled, but wanted to return the favour. I wasn’t surprised Matt thought the favour had to be Chas.

Chas… Okay… I’d always been quite fond of Chas, but as this fondness had in its heydays been one of the biggest crushes imaginable, I thought Matt had quite a good point. So we called it a deal.

I wondered whether other couples had made similar arrangements. My favourite source of information, Google, came up with a lot of relationship tips about imposing no-contact-rules on your boyfriend concerning his exes, but all the advice was very one-sided. Apparently trading a fling for a fling wasn’t a usual thing to do.

Despite or because its apparent uniqueness I was quite pleased with the trade. Not only because I’d redeemed my own guilt about making my boyfriend breaking contact with someone because of me, but also because it felt really fair and it made me feel good about being together with Matt. It was another commitment to each other, bringing us closer together.

However, I had some reservations, stuck away deeply inside the back of my mind. In such a trade, you can never be sure in advance that you can make your emotions and feelings live up to what you’ve agreed on. Matthew assured me that he really didn’t care for Alice and that she wasn’t even a friend anyway and wasn’t going to be missed in the bigger picture. As for me, I wasn’t sure whether disposing of Chas would be similarly easy. If Matt didn’t care and I didn’t either than what we’d trade was in fact nothing. But could such a crush ever genuinely feel like nothing?

Zap! And we’re back in the present. Music festival. Matt and I standing in a field. Eating a falafel (not relevant for the story, I know, but they were delicious). Suddenly Chas stands right in front of our noses. Ten weeks after our pact, all of a sudden my part in it gets tested. While Chas was chatting away about the bands he was looking forward to, I mutely started reflecting on my reaction. I didn’t choke because he suddenly turned up. I didn’t think his overly Britpop hair and outfit were cute. But I also didn’t wish him away either. I just couldn’t be bothered about his presence one single bit.

It’s not so hard, nevertheless miraculously satisfying and reassuring: trading indifference.

Column published by Cecile on Monday, August 27th, 2007.

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