I stare at my computer screen. It’s a good day at the office. I’m happily minding my own business. Then all of a sudden the emails start popping up on my screen. Co-workers wanting things of me. A colleague drops by and reminds me again of the fact that he can’t imagine what I’m supposed to be busy with all day. My managing director snarls at me why I haven’t completed the report yet and assures me that if he would do it himself it would only take him five minutes. Then I remember I was supposed to check a billion things and fix a zillion other things.

I choke. I feel like screaming but it won’t come.

At this point of the story I could suddenly wake up and realize it was all a dream. Or it could all be happening in reality. It doesn’t really matter because both happen regularly. I feel my job every second of the day. The moment I wake up till the moment I fall asleep.

I’m so done with it. But somehow I can’t let go. I feel responsible. Weird maybe, but true, my co-workers feel like a family and I’m loyal to them. Or maybe it’s just that I can’t give up control. While I ponder on this, in the meantime, job, co-worker, manager, you ask a bit more every time. But I will cope. I will prevail.

The feeling suddenly reminds me of my many fights, break ups, make ups and guilt-based fears that fill my mind map concerning evil ex Willard. Could it be…? Is it really…? I decide to call Maia to talk things over. Almost simultaneously we say the magic words: Codependent relationship.

In a codependent relationship somebody, usually a woman, is in a relationship despite better judgement. It’s an issue of takers and caretakers. The caretaker wants to take care of her partner, and the partner doesn’t stop taking and sucking energy. No matter how much she gives, it’s never good enough. No matter how much she gives, she’s treated without respect, maybe even in violation of the law. But she can’t let go. She feels he needs her. She feels she can change him if only she tries a little harder. She keeps forgiving him and taking him back. She can’t ask for help. It’s an addiction without the passion. But the men never change.

At the office, I’m the one who takes on all the tasks that don’t seem to fit the function of others. In other words, which nobody else wants to do. It’s wrapped into words like ‘important’ and ‘necessary’ to make it sound responsible. But it’s just like my new manager put it when he first met me: “So you’re the whore of the department?”

They can’t help it. They need me. I’m irreplaceable and in the end it’s all my own fault. I never really ask for help. They can’t help using me if I never ask for help. They can’t help not hiring somebody else besides me, if they can’t fill another 1.0 FTE with bits of work I don’t want to do. Besides, I can’t expect everything in my job to be sheer fun. I should stop whining. In the end they can’t help me.

Go on and hurt me. Beat me. Hit me once more. You know I’ll take you back, no matter how bad you treat me.

The feelings I have towards my past relationship with Willard are so similar to the feelings I have towards my job. I nearly forgot. I’m prone to codependent relationships.

I remember one of the last scenes of one of the most impressive movies I’ve ever seen: Dogville. It’s about a young woman seeking refugee in a small village. To repay the villagers for her stay she has to work for them, which slowly leads to slavery and sexual abuse. She constantly forgives her assaulters. But in that particular scene she’s told the true nature of her forgiveness:

“l’m arrogant because l forgive people?”
“My God. Can’t you see how condescending you are when you say that? You have this preconceived notion that nobody, listen that nobody can possibly attain the same high ethical standards as you so you exonerate them. l can not think of anything more arrogant than that. You, my child… my dear child you forgive others with excuses that you would never in the world permit for yourself.”

These two sentences were, years ago, among the most important reasons to let go of Willard and the guilt I felt for playing my part in that fucked up relationship. Loyalty and forgiveness are beautiful virtues that should be cherished. But indeed, when they are taken too far, they lead to a form of self-destructive arrogance.

And now, four years after we broke up, I realize I should feel the same about the demanding state of being my job has turned into.

I’ve thought this over for so many times now. So many weeks. So many months. When good isn’t good enough for you, time-consuming and unsatisfactory job, then maybe it’s all your fault, not mine.

Last week I had a formal evaluation. I told them things needed to change. They listened and they understood. But despite their understanding I know: no matter what the caretakers try, the takers never really change. It’s time to let go. Time to get out. This week I’m going to hand them my resignation letter. Job, I’m sorry, but you and me, it just won’t work out.

Column published by Cecile on Monday, May 28th, 2007.

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