I’m sitting at the dinner table staring at my way too cool Vaio laptop and it’s empty screen. It’s already Saturday. And nothing’s coming.

“That’s okay,”
I catch myself thinking,
“I still have til Sunday evening to finish my bit.”

But then I realize, I don’t. Because it’s Easter this weekend, Matt and I will go to visit my parents in their internet absent holiday cottage. And won’t return until Monday evening. So I have to put my column together before Sunday 2 pm. An earlier deadline than usual. And nothing at all to say. A jolt of anxiety rushes from my guts towards my throat.

It’s funny and weird at the same time. I have this long list to which I add ideas I have for my writing at any time. Any seemingly good idea I have during work, on my way to work, when I’m cooking or, most annoying, right before I fall asleep. The list is extremely long and if only I were able to write today I’d have a zillion topics ready to go. But I don’t feel like making a piece out of any of those ideas. Maybe some other day. But not today.

I check the ‘count words’ function of my text processor every so often, but no progress seems yet to have been made. I sip another cup of tea and grab another cookie. Then terror strikes. Is it..? Could it be…? A writer’s block? It sure does feel like one, but it sounds so dramatic. And pathetic.

What is a writer’s block anyway? Wikipedia tells me it’s ‘the phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity’. That’s a pretty to the point description of what I’m experiencing right now. And it doesn’t sound so horrific at all. Until I read further… ‘closely related to depression’, ‘dysfunctional brain lobes’, ‘cases where writer’s block has lasted for years or decades’.

But this can’t take forever! I want to write! I need to write! I don’t want to be stuck with working for a money driven marketing company for the rest of my days!

Luckily a lot of other sources describe a writer’s block as something that lasts from an hour to a week. Something that is closely related to stress and an overworked brain. Although a week would mean my column will be too late this week, wise words I had heard or read somewhere come to mind:

“Even this will pass away”.

Quite soothing words. And not only applicable to writing but also to the week that has gone by. It has been a horrible busy week both at the office and at home. In which I wanted to do a lot of things but got nothing done. This made me quite a furious and cranky little bitch. What else to do than take this out on Matt? Who hasn’t been too happy about his work lately either. Therefore he hasn’t been his usual ‘Cecile emotions mending’ self the last few days. Which made me a cranky bigger bitch. A vicious circle.

I guess I could compare my writer’s block with insomnia. You lie in your bed and keep on telling yourself you need to sleep. That way you won’t ever fall asleep, just because you are too aware of the problem. But if you just relax and decide to not care if you won’t sleep that night, then suddenly you will.

I decide to live those wise words and make all things pass.

I make the Easter Hot Cross Buns following the recipe by my favourite cook Nigella Lawson. I watch Matt hanging a towel rack on the bathroom wall. I smile at Matt cleaning the bathroom. I enjoy the new episode of Doctor Who. And listen to Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette, which I must have heard for the last time at least five years ago. I feel at peace. And quite happy. I give Matt a kiss feeling the love I hadn’t been able to feel for a while now, because it had been clouded by my too many to do lists. And finally I come across that pretty Vaio again.

I click on ‘count words’ once more. The amount of words it returns surprises me. I’ve managed to fill this space with a column. Written during the block, and hopefully past it.

Column published by Cecile on Monday, April 9th, 2007.

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